Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
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While fixing my neighbors car I asked her for a screwdriver…
She asked if I had orange juice.
We’ve been dating since.
[sees some cut grass]
[sees some ripped leaves]
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.