@Tommytoughstuff

ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.

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@ABurgerADay

[Casting Meeting]

Director: Did we get Cruise?

Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.

Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?

@Deurb1

While fixing my neighbors car I asked her for a screwdriver…
She asked if I had orange juice.
We’ve been dating since.

@Fred_Delicious

[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”

@TheCiscoKidder

My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.

@Merman_Melville

(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)

@Ndeshi_M

My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.

@david8hughes

I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?

@ilovepie84

After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.

@Brianhopecomedy

My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.