If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
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restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
Can you even imagine the pressure of being a janitor at MIT?
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*
Yeah. That’s do-able.
Don’t argue with strangers on the Internet.
Save up all that negative energy for your coworkers and door to door salesmen.
I am so sorry to hear about your grandma… I know what you’re going through my phone dies all the time.
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about