@Tommytoughstuff

ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.

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@TravLeBlanc

If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.

@Holy_Mowgli

restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then

@perlhack

In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf

@ewfeez

Can you even imagine the pressure of being a janitor at MIT?

@VerifiedDrunk

If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.

@LuckoftheDraw86

*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*

Yeah. That’s do-able.

@BritXNic

Don’t argue with strangers on the Internet.

Save up all that negative energy for your coworkers and door to door salesmen.

@lucascomedian

I am so sorry to hear about your grandma… I know what you’re going through my phone dies all the time.

@Midgetspar

If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”

@70Ceeks

SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about