HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
Me: smells like upyou’refreetogo in here.
Cop: what’s upyou’refreetogo?
Me: *finger guns* catch ya later
Cop: aww damn lol got me again
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Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
A date so good…
I eat 10 more.
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
angel: they’re making great progress with the vaccine
god: murder hornets
god: murder hornets everywhere
angel: why god
god: 2020 mf
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.