@cool_as_heck

Me: smells like upyou’refreetogo in here.
Cop: what’s upyou’refreetogo?
Me: *finger guns* catch ya later
Cop: aww damn lol got me again

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@ddsmidt

HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.

[chair elevated to highest position]

Me: That’s just ridiculous.

@UnFitz

Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?

Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?

@Rollinintheseat

*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*

Baker: “When is your wedding?”

Me: *with mouthful of cake*

“What wedding?”

@dulcetry

[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella

[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife

@LeahsLounge

I’ve never seen a runner smiling.

So that’s all I need to know about that.

@pilau

angel: they’re making great progress with the vaccine

god: murder hornets

angel: what

god: murder hornets everywhere

angel: why god

god: 2020 mf

@MarcusTheToken

My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.

@SarahJonesVent

I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.

@Staggfilms

Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.