Me: *smiling from ear to ear*

Plastic surgeon: My bad.

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There are 3 types of people:

1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people


If anyone wants to know why parents dont sleep, it’s the foot in your nose at 00:39


Hey, Dude who flips me off for honking at him in the parking lot, your groceries are on top of your car.


CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.

HANSEL: He seems nice.

GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.


I’m such a slave to the man working on a Saturday night.

A drunk slave but whatever. Atleast my e-mails to my boss are hilarious now.


If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.


ex: your friends were looking at me really strange at the game.

me: yeah well I told them you died in a hot air balloon accident.


How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’


Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…