There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
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If anyone wants to know why parents dont sleep, it’s the foot in your nose at 00:39
Hey, Dude who flips me off for honking at him in the parking lot, your groceries are on top of your car.
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
I’m such a slave to the man working on a Saturday night.
A drunk slave but whatever. Atleast my e-mails to my boss are hilarious now.
Please pray for the people still playing Farmville on Facebook.
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
ex: your friends were looking at me really strange at the game.
me: yeah well I told them you died in a hot air balloon accident.
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…