@PatsATweetin

Me: *smiling from ear to ear*

Plastic surgeon: My bad.

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@Token_Geezer

There are 3 types of people:

1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people

@ShellHasDragons

If anyone wants to know why parents dont sleep, it’s the foot in your nose at 00:39

@N0pantz

Hey, Dude who flips me off for honking at him in the parking lot, your groceries are on top of your car.

@truegritrumble

CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.

HANSEL: He seems nice.

GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.

@dxblarssonENG

I’m such a slave to the man working on a Saturday night.

A drunk slave but whatever. Atleast my e-mails to my boss are hilarious now.

@TheBoydP

If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.

@Sassafrantz

[texting]
ex: your friends were looking at me really strange at the game.

me: yeah well I told them you died in a hot air balloon accident.

@T_Bonezzz_

How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’

@DaveAmiott

Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…