me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
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Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.