@PhilJamesson

me (smirking as i pick a card): what next

magician: now you close your eyes

me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever

magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention

[my friends all applaud]

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@flashember

ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this

@TEXASVETERAN

Fortune teller said my boss would suffer a deadly accident. But, I already knew that. I needed to know if the police would figure it out.

@Nyx422

This bum said everyone who gives him $10 gets a “special” surprise in the alley.

My gut says no……but my heart says its a puppy!

@Buffalojilll

[Losing my virginity]

Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?

@BoogTweets

Psychologist: what is the issue

Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.

Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*

@UnFitz

Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.

Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?

@WilliamRodgers

What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…

@TuSoonShakur

CRUELLA DE VIL: you’re just giving away all of these coats for free?

SHELTER CLERK: yeah we call them rescues though

@squirrel74wkgn

*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*

Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautiful

Neighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?

@girlwit0filter

Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.