How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
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Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
OH SHIT WHERE
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
this is the funniest wrong number text i’ve ever gotten
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.
Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m in my 30’s and my bank account makes me look 21.
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
Knock on your neighbors door and ask if they’ve seen your cat. When they say no pull your cat out of your pocket and make the introductions