me (smirking as i pick a card): what next

magician: now you close your eyes

me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever

magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention

[my friends all applaud]

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How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?


[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?


Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late

Spider’s wife: what took so long?

Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout

Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again

Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure


this is the funniest wrong number text i’ve ever gotten


[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.

Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.

*start packing up my battery collection*


I don’t mean to brag, but I’m in my 30’s and my bank account makes me look 21.


[the clock strikes half past two]

dentist: my time has come


Knock on your neighbors door and ask if they’ve seen your cat. When they say no pull your cat out of your pocket and make the introductions