me (smirking as i pick a card): what next

magician: now you close your eyes

me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever

magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention

[my friends all applaud]

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Date: Are you ready to take on another man’s child?

Me: yes


Date: This is..

*I knock her kid out with one punch

Me: too easy!


“We suspect you may have inability to vocalise emotion disease”
“I can’t say I’m surprised”
*doc strokes beard*
“Hmm yes.Just as we thought”


Him: i like you

Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea


Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.

Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.


By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.

I hope it was worth it.


Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.


This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.


9 yo: Hey dad, where is the rest of that ladies bikini?

Me: That is actually called a G-string, son.

9: Oh, does the “G” stand for gross?


COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”