Date: Are you ready to take on another man’s child?
Date: This is..
*I knock her kid out with one punch
Me: too easy!
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
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“We suspect you may have inability to vocalise emotion disease”
“I can’t say I’m surprised”
*doc strokes beard*
“Hmm yes.Just as we thought”
dammit these are my april pants
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
9 yo: Hey dad, where is the rest of that ladies bikini?
Me: That is actually called a G-string, son.
9: Oh, does the “G” stand for gross?
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”