@PhilJamesson

me (smirking as i pick a card): what next

magician: now you close your eyes

me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever

magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention

[my friends all applaud]

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@davidkenny100

Date: Are you ready to take on another man’s child?

Me: yes

Later-

Date: This is..

*I knock her kid out with one punch

Me: too easy!

@jazmasta

“We suspect you may have inability to vocalise emotion disease”
“I can’t say I’m surprised”
*doc strokes beard*
“Hmm yes.Just as we thought”

@andlikelaura

Him: i like you

Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea

@DaddyWithTwins

Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.

Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.

@GrumpyComments

By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.

I hope it was worth it.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.

@JimmerThatisAll

This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.

@gwatts77

9 yo: Hey dad, where is the rest of that ladies bikini?

Me: That is actually called a G-string, son.

9: Oh, does the “G” stand for gross?

@UncleDuke1969

COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”