me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
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If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.