Somebody broke into my house and stole the alarm system.
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
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I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
Atheist: bless u
Me: ha! i caught u
Atheist: no its just like, an expression
Me:*grabbing him by shoulders* u believe in god
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
it was hard being a teenager with the last name ???? i mean stalk one guy and you’re ????? for the next three years
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking