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@MarfSalvador: me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
@KeetPotato: me: [answers phone in meeting] "this better be important"
wife: "i think we're having a baby"
me: [sighs] "you told me that 9 months ago"
@fusedude: If someone makes you want to murder them, don't hesitate to do it. That moment you wait is the difference between 1st and 2nd degree murder.
@Token_Geezer: Paul McCartney wrote 'Yesterday'
But he also wrote 'Obla-de-obla-da' and 'Ebony and Ivory'
So, don't worry if some of your tweets are shit
@AntF3ltz: When I go to Starbucks, I tell them my name is Marco. When my drink is ready and they call my name, I just keep saying Polo.
@distracdad: Dads in the 80s: I want satellite tv so bad.
Satellite tv installer: How bad?
Dads: REALLY bad
Installer: Like “gigantic satellite bolted to a cement slab that takes over your entire yard” bad?