[at the gym]
Me: what does this machine do?
“Sir, that’s a bench.”
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
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Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
My new hobby is sitting outside on campus at night in my 1940s clothes and when people say things to me, I say “You can see me?”
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
My cleaning lady always leaves me a list of supplies she needs to clean the house.
Not sure what she needs 20 boxes of cold medicine though
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
You have to put a potato in the microwave to push the potato button. Other things dont turn into potatoes.
*brought to you by Bounty*