@MarfSalvador

me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields

farmer: wtf have you done?!

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@thatdutchperson

[at the gym]

Me: what does this machine do?

“Sir, that’s a bench.”

Me: perfect.

@repomon

Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??

@lmegordon

My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.

@ShadyLadyHH

My new hobby is sitting outside on campus at night in my 1940s clothes and when people say things to me, I say “You can see me?”

@RadioShorty

So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!

@PhilJamesson

no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit

@MondayPajamas

My cleaning lady always leaves me a list of supplies she needs to clean the house.

Not sure what she needs 20 boxes of cold medicine though

@SteveSuckington

*Wife screams*

“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”

*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*

“It’s his house now”

@MikeCanRant

You have to put a potato in the microwave to push the potato button. Other things dont turn into potatoes.

*brought to you by Bounty*