Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
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FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
This chloroform smells expensiv…
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.