HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
ME: snakes are mean
ME: but it’s not their fault. They have 2 ends & no legs
ME: so the ends justify the mean
You Might Also Like
Do we really have to hear Adam Levine talk about how he used to have acne problems? That poor guy.. how’d he ever survive.
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
My crush said he made his phone keys sticky thinking of me so I dumped him. I’m disgusted.
What kind of loser still has keys on his phone?
Have been an Arsenal fan for barely an hour and I’m already frustrated,how have they been coping for the past decade?😭
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut