Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
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*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
When you’re here for the treats.
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
Very problematic
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now