@RoosterMustache

ME: snakes are mean

TEACHER: right

ME: but it’s not their fault. They have 2 ends & no legs

TEACHER: ok

ME: so the ends justify the mean

You Might Also Like

@portmanteauface

HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym

ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes

@OVO_Ty15

Do we really have to hear Adam Levine talk about how he used to have acne problems? That poor guy.. how’d he ever survive.

@Leslie_Annie

First rule of Botox club:

Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.

@Reverend_Scott

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

SUPER DANCE OFF??

Cop: OH YEAH

OH YEAH?

Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.

oh no

@AmishPornStar1

When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…

$85

When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…

Priceless.

@Parkerlawyer

“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”

-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine

@dmroberts1000

Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’

Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet

@Just_Lee_

My crush said he made his phone keys sticky thinking of me so I dumped him. I’m disgusted.

What kind of loser still has keys on his phone?

@Iffy_hazard

Have been an Arsenal fan for barely an hour and I’m already frustrated,how have they been coping for the past decade?😭

@murrman5

other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut