On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
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I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
Don’t frighten the programmers!
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
God has abandoned us.
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength