[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
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For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
I think the cat got the dog high.
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
pat pat
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…