me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
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Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do