me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
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Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
So many pants.
So little yoga.
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
My first child will be named New Folder.
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.