Me [sneezes]: excuse me

Guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.

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GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish


The airline managed to lose the in-laws luggage, but not the in-laws. *sigh*


I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.


People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?


Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.


“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad


Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for Twitter

Will it be

Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?

Be prepared


Do not worry.

I will take your secrets to my grave.

But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.