me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so

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Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.


*Jesus emerges from tomb*
Wow was that 3 days? Holy cow. I was marathoning The Wire. You guys seen this?


My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream


Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”


Someone I don’t know sent me a message that was just 3 question marks, and I replied, “Same.”


there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”


a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today


Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh


Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.