I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
cw: Bless you
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
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I burned 1000 calories by lighting my arm on fire
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie