@iwearaonesie

me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so

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@DurtMcHurtt

I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.

@DannyMcH2O

Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?

Son: …

Me: It’s also a famous explorer.

Son: Dora?

Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.

@drewjanda

It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found

@lynnbixenspan

I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?

@theRealNotJonas

Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.

Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?

@dragonsorbet

Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body