Me: (Sneezes)

Microchip in my left arm: Bless you

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9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.


Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.


Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings


Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”


If you know a clumsy person you secretly wish would die, give them some rollerblades.


Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”

Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?

Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!

Other judge: Security



I just saw a video of a snake that learned to open doors. I probably don’t need to sleep anymore anyway.


All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.

I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.


Apple watch, loudly: “It is time for you to poop”
Me: “A-as I was saying, our investors h-”
Watch, louder: “It is your optimal poop time”


You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.