@RickAaron

Me: (Sneezes)

Microchip in my left arm: Bless you

You Might Also Like

@lemonmartinis

9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.

@Fickle_Filly

Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.

@Darlainky

Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings

@peb671

Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”

@MableGertrude

If you know a clumsy person you secretly wish would die, give them some rollerblades.

@Its_Just_Reese

Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”

Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?

Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!

Other judge: Security

Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!

@PYWL

I just saw a video of a snake that learned to open doors. I probably don’t need to sleep anymore anyway.

@Dani_Feld

All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.

I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.

@Merman_Melville

Apple watch, loudly: “It is time for you to poop”
Me: “A-as I was saying, our investors h-”
Watch, louder: “It is your optimal poop time”

@BeerBatterBeard

You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.