Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
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when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
I love snow
– People who never shovel
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
I don’t think my car can fly
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
Interior design 👌
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too