@kidnapped_jesus

Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*

Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something

And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much

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@TimB5150

I miss the days if you were angry while on the phone, you could slam it down without costing $400!

@weismanjake

I wonder if celebrity couples have a list of 5 average citizens each of them are allowed to sleep with if they ever get the chance

@Heldinchains

You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.

Tomato, Tomahto

Get in the van.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.

@sofarrsogud

Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…

It’s basically shitty Christmas.

@WilliamAder

Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.

@squashgoblet

crazy how after i got my braces off i never heard from my orthodontist again…like no calls no nothin…no guidance…am i still on the right track Dr. Payne please answer it’s been ten years I need you

@UnFitz

*Walks in late to dinner*

I see fed people.

@perlhack

USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?

me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead