Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*

Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something

And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much

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I miss the days if you were angry while on the phone, you could slam it down without costing $400!


I wonder if celebrity couples have a list of 5 average citizens each of them are allowed to sleep with if they ever get the chance


You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.

Tomato, Tomahto

Get in the van.


A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.


Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…

It’s basically shitty Christmas.


Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.


crazy how after i got my braces off i never heard from my orthodontist again…like no calls no nothin…no guidance…am i still on the right track Dr. Payne please answer it’s been ten years I need you


*Walks in late to dinner*

I see fed people.


USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?

me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead