@TimB5150
I miss the days if you were angry while on the phone, you could slam it down without costing $400!
@kidnapped_jesus
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
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@TimB5150
@weismanjake
I wonder if celebrity couples have a list of 5 average citizens each of them are allowed to sleep with if they ever get the chance
@Heldinchains
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
@OhNoSheTwitnt
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
@sofarrsogud
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
@MerriamWebster
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
@WilliamAder
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
@squashgoblet
crazy how after i got my braces off i never heard from my orthodontist again…like no calls no nothin…no guidance…am i still on the right track Dr. Payne please answer it’s been ten years I need you
@UnFitz
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
@perlhack
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead