I miss the days if you were angry while on the phone, you could slam it down without costing $400!
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
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I wonder if celebrity couples have a list of 5 average citizens each of them are allowed to sleep with if they ever get the chance
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Get in the van.
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
crazy how after i got my braces off i never heard from my orthodontist again…like no calls no nothin…no guidance…am i still on the right track Dr. Payne please answer it’s been ten years I need you
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead