Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
You Might Also Like
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
How do dragons blow out candles?
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
@knotta_tardfan’s account is temporarily unavailable because it violates the Twitter Media Policy. Learn more.
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no