You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
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doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”