@hippieswordfish

ME: so basically it’s like the batsignal except it’s the golden arches so you know when the mcrib is back
SANTA: please get off my lap

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@RorynotRoy

The girl that just walked by gave my dog a double take like she thought she might’ve gone to high school with him.

@Rainmaker1973

This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”

@Goofpoops

In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.

Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.

@_steamy_mac

If I pick you up hitchhiking and you haven’t murdered me in the first 25 miles, that’s the end of the free ride, bud.

@jtrulez

She walked in & she had legs, legs that went on for days. Who knows where they went? They just kept wenting.

– Why my mystery novel failed

@JAdomian

Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.

@RoosterMustache

I hate when my phone corrects “hood morning” to good morning. Maybe I meant hood morning. Maybe some thug shit has happened today.

@minkpinkustink

Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced

@AbbieEvansXO

me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember

me 5 seconds later: oh no