wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
You Might Also Like
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.