Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
You Might Also Like
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
Called it
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit