@whalesmells

me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES

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@shariv67

To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.

@flashember

[alarm clock buzzing]

BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early

GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh

@BradSheffield

Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns

@PaperWash

6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]

me: [hides behind GF]

GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-

me: look, we need more strong female lead char-

@jwoodham

JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.

@Terdoh

Me: And what do you do if I tell you I’m having a heart attack?

Siri: I clear your browser history.

Me: That’s right darling.

@WheelTod

If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.

@AndySandford

Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?

@Joydas

Half of Americans must be thinking Gaza Strip is the name of some Strip Club which Israel wants

@trevso_electric

Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”