To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
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[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
Me: And what do you do if I tell you I’m having a heart attack?
Siri: I clear your browser history.
Me: That’s right darling.
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
Half of Americans must be thinking Gaza Strip is the name of some Strip Club which Israel wants
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”