Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
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Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.