Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?

Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system

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Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before


its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??


Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones

Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?

Me: no, the bones in my mouth

Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones


“I’m turning over a new leaf”

-Adam to Eve on their wedding night


With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.


Husband: I love everything about you.

Me: Even my toe hair?

H: What toe hair?

Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.