Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
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My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”