Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
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HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
Noah
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
My ideal weight is five million dollars
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?