Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
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kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
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In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
courtroom exchange of the day
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.