Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
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Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.