me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
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Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.