Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
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My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
*seductively eats two tums*
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!