me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
You Might Also Like
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
Me: You wrote a play?
Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.
Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”