Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
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4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…