me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
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People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
The opposite of Iceland is water water
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
Alexa: *deep breath*
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.