“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
You Might Also Like
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
Dog Walking Business Idea:
1. Train every dog to walk another dog.
2. Put the dogs in a dog walking circle.
3. GO TO A MOVIE!
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.