ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
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I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
Body by cheese-puffs.
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes