Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?
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[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?