ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
me: so… i gave him the birds and the bees talk
wife: great! what did he say?
me: his exact words were “dad, i’m not into that vanilla shit”
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That awkward moment when u lock binoculars with your neighbor.
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
I’m on my way
Kurt Cobain: take your time
The choice is yours
Don’t be late
date: this is my first time at a french restaurant
me: i feel like i’ve been here once before
date: are you having deja vu?
me: no i’m having the chicken
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.