me: so I just check out women all day?

grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that

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Nothing says ” My divorce didn’t go as planned ” quite like the guy with grocery bags hanging on the sides of his bicycles handlebars


Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.


PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.


I have been reporting moms on Facebook who brag about how perfect their lives are as fake news.


I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.


Me: Cleaning up is a superpower. Don’t you want to be a superhero?

5-year-old: I’ll just be a bad guy.


ex: your friends were looking at me really strange at the game.

me: yeah well I told them you died in a hot air balloon accident.