me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
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How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
dogs can find happiness so easily
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
Goodnight 🐶
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait