Nothing says ” My divorce didn’t go as planned ” quite like the guy with grocery bags hanging on the sides of his bicycles handlebars
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
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I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
I have been reporting moms on Facebook who brag about how perfect their lives are as fake news.
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
What rhymes with “hug me”?
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
Me: Cleaning up is a superpower. Don’t you want to be a superhero?
5-year-old: I’ll just be a bad guy.
ex: your friends were looking at me really strange at the game.
me: yeah well I told them you died in a hot air balloon accident.