me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
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“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
Don’t frighten the programmers!
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do