Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
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the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
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Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
Imma just leave this here…………
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either