Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
You Might Also Like
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
She was REALLY feeling it.
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills