@eliyudin

ME: So I… was never invisible?
JAIL DOCTOR: No. That’s why you’re in jail

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@EndhooS

“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”

@SentenceReduced

Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.

@lloydrang

Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.

@canadasandra

cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table

@jdforshort

Apparently it’s frowned upon to wipe sweat from the brow of a sexy guy at the gym

Who knew

@kelkulus

The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.

@david8hughes

[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion

@Contwixt

THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.

@Marlebean

If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering