I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
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1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
WHO DID THIS?
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.