ME: So I… was never invisible?
JAIL DOCTOR: No. That’s why you’re in jail

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“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”


Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.


Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.


cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table


Apparently it’s frowned upon to wipe sweat from the brow of a sexy guy at the gym

Who knew


The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.


[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion


THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.


If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering