me: so i was watching mindhunter

911: right

me: they said serial killers are mean to animals

911: k

me: a guy at work said he doesn’t like dogs

911: that’s not rea-

me: no you don’t understand, my dog was there

911: sir i need to end thi-

me: he said it TO HIS FACE

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Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.

Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!


Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.


I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return


Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other

Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!


“Let’s agree to disagree.”

TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.


I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.


I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas


Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring


Every time my husband hides my pants, I have sex with him.

Don’t tell him I have more than one pair.