Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
me: so i was watching mindhunter
me: they said serial killers are mean to animals
me: a guy at work said he doesn’t like dogs
911: that’s not rea-
me: no you don’t understand, my dog was there
911: sir i need to end thi-
me: he said it TO HIS FACE
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Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
Every time my husband hides my pants, I have sex with him.
Don’t tell him I have more than one pair.