I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
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Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.