me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
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[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
2023 was just a warmup
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
My wife has the worst taste in men.
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music