If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.
You Might Also Like
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
If you really want to know how someone feels about you, try licking their face.
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Me: you said make it stiff
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.