Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.
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women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.