@thenoahkinsey

Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.

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@Marcmywords2

If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.

@Marlebean

*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*

@better_off_dad

If you really want to know how someone feels about you, try licking their face.

@DropsNoPanties

10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.

12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.

2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.

4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.

6am: If I FML

@DothTheDoth

Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.

@JesKeepSwimming

“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.

@_elvishpresley_

him: hi, I’m Tom

me: nice to meet you uhh…

my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago

me: m…mom

@momtribevibe

[ First day as a bartender ]

Me: *unzips customers pants*

Him: wtf!?

Me: you said make it stiff

@E_lok44

If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.

@lmwortho

“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.