@rebrafsim

Me: So I’ll see you Friday?

Friend: I can’t wait!

Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT

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@Irish_Dinosaur

“you should be more serious, sir. this is arson.” “no this is MY son!” *tousles his hair* “ha ha ha. so how many houses did the rascal burn”

@plsleaveamsg

“You’re just not enlightened enough to understand the beauty of polyamoury!”

And you’re not enlightened enough to understand just how much people in general annoy TF out of me.

@ThePhilFactor

How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?

@RdrJay47

Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.

@vandroidhelsing

my feed is like:

ANIMAL CROSSING

eat the billionaires

we are all doomed

ANIMAL CROSSING

gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’

ANIMAL CROSSING

we are gonna die

ANIMAL CROSSING

*sharpening guillotines*

ANIMAL CROSSING

ANIMAL CROSSING

SOCIALISM NOW

ANIMAL CROSSING

@allisonkilkenny

A horror movie short about a woman who is trying to work in a cafe and she slowly realizes the staff is setting up the room for an open mic

@squirrel74wkgn

[makes eye contact with guy on bus]

Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*