“you should be more serious, sir. this is arson.” “no this is MY son!” *tousles his hair* “ha ha ha. so how many houses did the rascal burn”
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
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“You’re just not enlightened enough to understand the beauty of polyamoury!”
And you’re not enlightened enough to understand just how much people in general annoy TF out of me.
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
DEFINITELY CANT DUNK ANYMORE
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
my feed is like:
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
we are gonna die
A horror movie short about a woman who is trying to work in a cafe and she slowly realizes the staff is setting up the room for an open mic
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.