Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
You Might Also Like
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.