Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
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My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
90Me: Nailed it.
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
Me too, bag. Me too….
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.