ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
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My sex drive has a dui
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo