@Holy_Mowgli

ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing

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@david8hughes

Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no

@imadepoopstoday

Practicing parenthood on an egg only teaches kids that if you cook your baby it’s delicious.

@MeemawKate

“Are you still watching?”

Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.

@jenstatsky

Hey, pens at the bank: cool it with the chains. You are literally last on my list of things I’d like to steal from a bank.

@DawleyGirl

Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?

@dorkwing_duck

[PRESS CONFERENCE]

Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby

Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?

Me: sure, whoever

@Mardigroan

No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.

@Six_Pack_Mom

The husband & I just spent 20 minutes choosing the most awkward songs to load on his phone when driving our teen & her friends around, in case you wondered if there’s any magic left in marriage after kids.