me: “so is this a date?”
hitchhiker: “um”

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-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.


Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.


“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”


‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’


Had to have “the talk” with my 5yr old. He asked me where sandwiches come from.


My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…


‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.


Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.


Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.


*First day as an exorcist*

ME: [voice a bit louder than normal] Just gonna put this GHOST PIE on top of this harmless pile of leaves. Sure hope no GHOSTS see it…