@KeetPotato

me: “so is this a date?”
hitchhiker: “um”

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@OhNoSheTwitnt

What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.

@HollyMemphis

Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.

@thepunningman

“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”

@pauleggleston

‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’

@_Shizzle

Had to have “the talk” with my 5yr old. He asked me where sandwiches come from.

@mommajessiec

My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…

@stockejock

‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.

@living_marble

Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.

@MandyLand314

Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.

@thenatewolf

*First day as an exorcist*

ME: [voice a bit louder than normal] Just gonna put this GHOST PIE on top of this harmless pile of leaves. Sure hope no GHOSTS see it…