Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
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{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.