ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
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Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.