Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
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Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
i guess his teacher was really pissed
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
yes, those are my real potatoes.
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.